I don’t want to sound like I have tickets on myself, but I am a superhero. I came to this astonishing realisation today. It started with an oven full of choc-chip bickies. The fan was humming, the aroma of baking sweet-treats was wafting through the house, the dog was licking the mixing bowl, when - KAPOW! - the oven kicked the bucket.
‘Hmmm,’ I thought.
I know! It’s not a very superhero-ish thing to say, but I had not had The Epiphany at this stage. ‘Hmmm,’ I thought. ‘Baking’s off the schedule. I’d better vacuum the carpet.’
But as I ran the vacuum cleaner back and forth across the carpet, I noticed that the suction had died. Now, a vacuum cleaner that has lost its suck is about as relevant as a leech that has lost its suck. It has, to all intents and purposes, given up the ghost.
The failure of two electrical appliances in one hour started me thinking. Perhaps I am emitting supernatural electrical impulses that are interfering with the electrical appliances in my life!
This may sound like a giant leap of the imagination, but bear with me …
For months now I have suffered from the night jolts. You know, where the neuro-electrical currents in your brain surge and wake you with a wild and dangerous jolt of the legs. (I don’t even know if neuro-electrical currents is the correct term, but I’m a superhero, not a psychiatrist/psychologist/Wikipedia webpage) For weeks now, my hair straightener has been making a weird crackling, sparking sound every time I use it and my bedside lamp has an odd delay thing happening where the light bulb refuses to glow until a number of seconds after the switch has been flicked.
‘Aha,’ I thought, a pattern starting to emerge.
I delved deeper into my past. What about the time in Denmark, twenty-odd years ago, when our dodgy little Skoda wouldn’t stop running? We turned off the ignition, pulled out the key and ran around the carpark waving our hands in the air, uttering monotonic Danish expressions of panic, but still the engine ran. This was terribly ironic, because there were many times when we wanted the engine to start and it refused. I must have been emitting some strange electrical impulses that kept the starter motor going. (Again, sorry about the vocabulary. I am a superhero, not a mechanic/electrical engineer/Wikipedia webpage)
And then it hit me. BOOM! BASH! BAM! I have been emitting strange and sporadic electrical impulses all over the place for years.
I am, in fact, a superhero with supernatural powers.
My power is electrical surge.
I am Electrogirl!
It all makes sense now. The nerdy glasses and the sedentary desk job are a cover for my real superhero identity - just like Clark Kent. I have been raised by two kindly country folk as though I am their own real child - just like Clark Kent!
What a revelation!
My Big Challenge for this next week is to work out how I can use my super powers to serve humanity ...
Perhaps an alien race will try to invade earth but - ZIP! ZAP! TWANG! - my electrical surge power will bring their spaceships to a standstill (a hoverstill?) and they will be powerless to attack.
Maybe I will be on board an aeroplane when the navigational systems fail but - BUZZ! SPARK! FIZZ! my electrical surge will reboot the computers and sanity and safety will be restored.
Quite possibly, there is a friend who is desperately looking for an excuse to get out of hosting the family Christmas do. I will don my cape and tights, fly into her kitchen and - BZZZT! THWACK! KAPOW! - my electrical surge will destroy her oven, leaving her without the means to bake for a ravenous crowd of twenty seven. What a shame (snicker snicker). The hungry hoards will just have to go to Aunty Dawn’s for Christmas dinner this year instead!
I am Electrogirl.